One week

It has been just over a week since we found out our terrible news. And it still hurts like we found out today. Physically, I am still in some pain at the c-section scar site, but it is minor at this point. Emotionally, I have no idea how I am. Not good. I am not sleeping well, so I am exhausted. Being tired makes everything worse, if that is possible. I think I hold it together pretty well most of the day, but it takes a lot of effort. Yesterday,I did not hold it together well. We picked up the baby's ashes from the funeral home yesterday. It was the tiniest little box. It was overwhelmingly sad. Today, I guess, is suppossed to be go back to normal day. Mom and Mark left yesterday morning, Wade had to go back to work today, so it's just me and Keira. But I don't feel normal. Not sure that life will ever go back to what normal was before this. It is so hard because it seems like everything was revolving around this baby. I keep finding lists of things to buy before the baby gets here, things to do before the baby gets here, and me and my stupid sale shopping, I have a closet full of diapers for the little guy. I had gone through Keira's clothes to seperate what could be used if it was a girl and what could be used if it was a boy. People keep saying God never gives you more than you can handle, but I think maybe he overestimated this time. Going throuh this has mad me even more thankful for my beautiful Keira. I just want to hold on to her as tight as I can and never let go. If you thought she was spoiled before, I imagine it to only get worse. I try to console myself with the fact that I have a wonderful family already. Keira is a treasure and Wade is an amazing husband - I could never get through something like this without him. I love them both so much. And we are perfect just the way we are. But everytime I think about our family, I had already put the baby in there with us. Keira was sitting on Wade's lap at dinner last night and all I could think about was him holding the baby on the other knee. I had to leave the table. Anyway, enough for now. Thanks for listening. I hope to go back to posting normally at some point, but not sure when that will be, so until then there probably won't be much here.